The holidays bring joy but often leave couples feeling distant. How can we stay emotionally close during this time?
The holiday season is often a whirlwind of joy, celebration, and connection, but beneath the surface, it can be an emotional minefield for many couples. Between the demands of travel, family dynamics, financial strain, and social expectations, intimacy can quickly fall to the bottom of the priority list. As the days grow colder and the to-do lists lengthen, how do couples stay emotionally close when everything else seems designed to pull them in different directions?
Relationships during this time of year can be complex and stressful, but there are ways couples can maintain emotional intimacy even amid the chaos. One expert in the field is Meg Palubicki, a licensed therapist and somatic counselor, who shares insights on how couples can prioritize their emotional connection during this busy season.
The Holiday Nervous System Spiral
From the moment the calendar flips to November, various pressures begin to affect our bodies and relationships. Stress builds as routines get disrupted, emotional expectations rise, and the responsibilities of managing families and finances become more pressing. According to Meg, the first step toward maintaining intimacy during the holiday season is awareness. “You’re not less loving. You’re not less connected. You’re dysregulated, and that changes everything.”
When our nervous systems are overloaded, it can lead to behaviors that strain even the strongest relationships. These behaviors might include:
- Short tempers
- Shutdown or withdrawal
- Resentment
- Decreased desire
- Repetitive arguments
- Irritability
- Emotional numbness
- Burnout
“It’s not personal, it’s physiological,” Meg explains. With so many external factors pulling at our attention, intimacy often gets lost in the shuffle. But she offers a solution: “The holidays can become a season of presence instead of pressure, but only if we prioritize nervous system care.”
The Emotional Reality: Carrying Family Into Our Relationships
The holiday season often brings us closer to our childhood environments, triggering old patterns and unresolved emotions. “When you go home, you don’t just bring your suitcase. You bring your nervous system history,” Meg notes. For many, this means encountering old family dynamics, triggers from childhood, and high expectations that may affect how we feel during the holidays and how we show up in our relationships.
Family history can influence how we experience intimacy during this time. One partner may feel energized by nostalgic family traditions, while the other may feel triggered by unresolved conflicts. These emotional differences are not a sign of incompatibility; rather, they present an opportunity for deeper compassion and understanding. Open conversations about these emotional states can help avoid misunderstandings and strengthen relationships.
Holiday Intimacy Isn’t About Sex. It’s About Connection.
For Meg, true intimacy during the holiday season isn’t defined by sex or grand gestures. It’s about the small, simple moments that allow couples to feel truly connected, even amid the chaos. “Holiday intimacy is about creating moments where your body can soften, your heart can exhale, and your partner feels like home.”
These micro-moments of connection, holding hands in the car, sharing a quiet cup of coffee before the day begins, or laughing together in the kitchen, can provide the anchor couples need during the most demanding season of the year. As Meg writes in her book Marriage on Fire, “A marriage on fire isn’t louder, it’s deeper. It’s choosing each other in the smallest moments, especially when the world is demanding the most from you.”
The Gift of Honest Expectations
One of the biggest challenges to intimacy during the holidays is unspoken expectations. Couples often enter the season with a fantasy of what the holidays should look like, expecting emotional closeness, magical moments, cooperative families, and stress-free celebrations. But the reality often falls short, leading to disappointment, resentment, and emotional distance.
To overcome this, couples can benefit from having what Meg calls a “Holiday Expectations Conversation.” This conversation should cover questions like:
- What do you need this season to feel connected?
- What overwhelms you?
- What are your boundaries with family?
- What traditions matter most to you?
- What do you want to skip this year?
- How can we support each other?
Having these conversations ahead of time can help partners avoid the pitfalls of unspoken resentment and set the stage for a more harmonious holiday season.
Re-Imagining Holiday Intimacy
Seasonal intimacy, especially during the holiday months, is about more than surviving the chaos; it’s about intentionally nurturing the relationship. Meg introduces the concept of “holiday attunement,” which involves noticing your partner’s emotional state and choosing connection over reaction.
In practice, holiday attunement looks like small, thoughtful moments that create space for intimacy, such as:
- Squeezing your partner’s hand under the dinner table
- Stepping outside for fresh air together
- Stealing five minutes alone in the pantry
- Sharing a long hug before re-entering the noise of family gatherings
- Leaving a note on their pillow
- Playing holiday music while cooking together
“Intimacy isn’t about doing more,” Meg reminds us. “It’s about being more present.”
The Heart of Holiday Connection
In the midst of all the holiday chaos, there’s an extraordinary opportunity to reconnect with your partner on a deeper level. When the world is loud, love becomes the quiet refuge you return to. “Connection isn’t something you find, it’s something you choose,” Meg says. “Especially when life gets messy.”
This is the true holiday magic, not in the presents or the picture-perfect moments, but in the choice to be present with each other, even when the world demands more than you have to give. So, this holiday season, let go of the idea of perfection, and embrace the moments of genuine connection that truly matter. Whether it’s a moment of silence, a laugh shared in the kitchen, or simply holding each other through the madness, those moments will sustain your relationship through the challenges the holidays bring.
Ready to Transform Your Holiday Season?
It’s not too late to embrace a season of true connection. Take the first step toward a deeper, more meaningful relationship this holiday season by focusing on presence and communication. For more information, you can explore resources likeIntimate Roots, follow them onInstagram, or check out Meg’s book Marriage on Fireavailable onAmazon.
