Crying with sadness has a long history. Once upon a time, you just didn’t cry. You didn’t think about it and went on with your life just to survive. There was no time to cry. I had to survive. Eventually, we evolved into a more modern world. There have certainly been times when survival was the primary issue, and there are still individuals for whom survival is the primary issue, but generally speaking, as a wealthy nation, we focus less on survival. I haven’t guessed.
Then the research began. The original work by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was about death and dying, but it was also used to describe all kinds of grief. Her well-known stages of grief were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But since then, many other theories have shown us what happens when we are sad.
Most people don’t pay attention to these stages when they are grieving. They just want it to stop. On the other hand, you may feel guilty if you stop crying. And since this is the first time in the history of the world that we have allowed ourselves to experience and perhaps even examine our own grief, we are still on a huge learning curve.
At some point, we came to the idea that grief is terminal. If your grief lasts more than a year or two, there is something wrong with you. However, over time, we learn that while sadness does not make us unable to function for long periods of time, the feeling is intense, there is no exact duration, and we may adapt slowly over time. I’ve come to understand that.
But researchers also discovered what was originally called complicated grief and is now called long-term grief disorder. In this disorder, a person’s sadness appears delayed beyond normal acute sadness, which slowly adjusts to reality over time. This disorder is characterized by extreme mental and emotional distress, including complete denial of the situation, extreme negative thinking, avoidance of things related to the loss, and other symptoms. This usually means that the person is unable to perform most normal activities. This diagnosis occurs only in a small number of the population. Still, you need professional help.
But in general, normal grief evokes intense feelings of loss and longing, memories good and bad, and sometimes guilt. Depending on what you are sad about, you may also experience loneliness. However, this does not mean that you will be completely unable to function for a long period of time.
I also learned that grief doesn’t just happen when someone dies. It can also occur when there are other types of loss, such as when you break up or get divorced. It may also happen if a long-held dream falls through the cracks or if you are diagnosed with a not necessarily terminal but life-altering illness or injury. It may happen when a certain way of living or lifestyle is no longer ours. It can also occur after recognizing or processing childhood wounds. There are many reasons why people are sad.
However, despite years of study and understanding, people in many cultures try to rush us to “suck it up.” “Hold on, dude.” “Let’s take you back outside.” “Are you still crying over that?” The truth: They express our sadness because we feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable doing that. But we don’t have to follow their wishes.
Additionally, the supposed comforter may say inappropriate things about feelings of sadness, such as, “You’re strong and you’ll get over it.” “It was God’s will.” “Stop crying, it’s okay.” “You have to be strong for the people you love.” “Just keep busy, and you’ll get through this faster.” ” “Everything that happens has a meaning.” All of these statements seem useful on the surface. But when you ask grieving people what they think about these statements, they often say they hurt them, made them feel guilty, or closed them off.
why are you still crying? Because sadness is an expression of love. Sadness is an expression of anger at the seeming injustices of life. Grief is a memory that reveals much about the nature of relationships that was previously unknown. Grief may also include rational and irrational feelings of guilt. Grief is grief, even if the relationship has been complicated by all kinds of dysfunctional behavior, even if it has been sweet and supportive.
And if you suddenly find yourself sobbing again after not crying for a long time or even thinking about it much, it does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It only means that your heart has reopened and you have had the courage to allow yourself to feel what’s inside. Although painful, these periods are common and expected. Grief takes its own course.
I don’t know if there’s any research that says we really can’t stop grieving, but that’s my own personal and professional experience. It doesn’t mean we can’t function forever, but it does mean we re-emerge from time to time, maybe through a smile.
we don’t grieve. Sadness overtakes us. It is expected to be a process, not a final event.
