Source: kieferpix/iStock
Do you remember moments when your parents celebrated you when you were a child? Was it your small victory, your big milestone, or both? For me, those celebratory moments revolved around letter grades (As, Bs, Cs, Ds, and the dreaded F) displayed on small folded report cards. When I brought home my “As” to the Lord, I was cheered on in a way that meant the world to me. There were warm hugs, a special trip to the small bookstore at the mall to pick out the books I wanted, and most importantly, I lived up to my parents’ expectations. I felt seen and valued and that was enough.
It’s easy to see why these moments stuck with me.
what about you? When do you most vividly remember your parents cheering the loudest: a victory on the basketball court, a trophy won at the science fair, a score for your Little League baseball team, or just a notification like mine? Was it the grade printed on the table?
These famous successes stay with us and leave impressions that last a lifetime. At their best, they uplift us, inspire us to aim higher, and inspire the belief that we can achieve what seems impossible. But in our modern society, they carry implicit expectations, silently shaping what we aspire to, influencing how we see ourselves, and influencing our relationships with others (Henderlong & Lepper, 2002; Elliot & Dweck, 1988; Dweck, 1999).
I’m getting too far ahead of myself, so let’s take a step back and look at achievement and the way it shapes our lives from the beginning… all the way back to our ancestral roots, where… The moment celebrated today was far from what it was before.
Innate values that have forgotten time
Describe Tali, a girl who lived approximately 20,000 years ago and grew up in a close-knit village of 40 people. When Tali arrives in this world, she is welcomed by loving eyes and embraced by eager hands. She is growing in confidence of her worth. Because she experiences it every day through the simplest acts. She sees and feels it in the loving and intimate gaze of those around her. Tali feels valued and welcome in the world, and she lives at ease because she knows she belongs in the circle of life that includes everyone around her. (Weller, 2015).
But it’s not just her values that are reflected in Tali.
In her village, it is believed that all children have special talents, and Tali is no exception. As she grows, Tali’s village becomes aware of her talents: her mesmerizing flute playing, her incredible precision with the sling, and her intuitive ability to heal with plants. They lovingly support and nurture these talents and celebrate each step of their journey to realize her unique abilities.
Seen and encouraged by the villagers, Tali’s natural talent transcends her personal skills. For example, her flute playing grows beyond technical proficiency. She uses music as an important form of personal expression and creates her own melodies. And when she performs at gatherings, her songs become cherished, bring people closer and leave an unforgettable impression.
However, in our modern world, the situation is significantly different.
When the value becomes a number
It starts from our childhood. Imagine two parents stretched thin while juggling full-time jobs, the needs of their children, and the challenges of daily life. Imagine an elementary school teacher managing a classroom of 25 students. Imagine a coach teaching 16 young children how to play their first soccer game.
We often see how busy adults in our youth lack the time or ability to reflect our values back to us. They don’t care about seeing our natural talents and helping us develop them. As a result, our true worth and innate abilities too often fade into the background, unseen.
And what will happen to us then?
From parents to school teachers, youth pastors to soccer coaches, we hear stories about their most important accomplishments. And when we succeed on their terms, we are celebrated. We may grow up with parents who value high grades and encourage top grades. Teachers may encourage us to work hard and reward us when we exceed expectations. And our coaches may encourage us to run faster, work harder, endure pain, and praise our efforts when we show the grit necessary to overcome discomfort.
As small children, we begin to notice changes. Simply reaching out for a hug can be overlooked or ignored. But everything changes when you take home a perfect report card or a first-place ribbon. A wave of excitement arises and you head to the nearby ice cream shop for a special treat.
Little by little, we are ingraining unspoken but powerful lessons into our hearts. That is, our worth is not something that we inherently have, but something that is given to us only by what we achieve. (Wallace, 2023) And with that belief, we are committed to accomplishments that our elders value.
A sense of accomplishment begins to take over us. We get caught in a never-ending cycle of accomplishing what we are told is most important, convinced that if we do it enough, we will eventually capture the value.
But what actually happens when we strive to achieve in this way?
Let’s take a look at your academic performance. Our achievement is measured by letter grades. These grades only really measure your ability to complete homework and perform well on tests. Obviously, they don’t capture our true worth. In fact, our performance in school helps us do what matters most in life: cultivate curiosity, expand our empathy, build meaningful connections, learn from the world around us, and a genuine desire to do better. It’s heartbreaking to be measured in a way that completely ignores nurturing. .
Still, we strive for these results and what do we get in the end? We already know. All they leave us with is a collection of tokens – medals, prizes, awards – and the only thing we have always wanted – the truth reflected in the loving gaze of those around us. cannot provide a sense of value. (Crocker & Wolfe, 2001)
This does not diminish the importance of the achievement. Achievement has its rightful place. As Tali showed us, when our values remain intact and our innate talents are nurtured, our accomplishments become true expressions of ourselves and meaningful offerings to others. Similarly, if our worth is not tied to what we achieve, especially if we are focused on helping others or our own personal growth, we are less likely to strive beyond our natural abilities. It can give you a sense of confidence and purpose. But…when achievement comes down to proving our worth to those around us, as this culture often encourages, it is doomed to failure, leaving us feeling empty and unfulfilled.
So next time you’re working towards a goal, stop and ask yourself: “Why am I doing this?” Perhaps your motivation to achieve will determine whether you will have real success.
