As a couples therapist, I’ve heard countless complaints from partners. But not a single word of “I feel too understood” was ever uttered in my office. On the contrary, most difficulties arise from a lack of empathy. Empathy is a more essential skill than love for maintaining strong relationships.
In my book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind?, I describe empathy as the emotional glue that holds relationships together. Love may bring people together, but empathy is what keeps people connected. The foundation of a resilient and thriving relationship is the ability to truly understand your partner’s emotions, even if you disagree or don’t share the same perspective.
Below are three scenarios that demonstrate how empathy can transform relationships, along with practical tips to strengthen this important skill.
1. Quiet cutting
Olivia was frequently frustrated because Marcus didn’t care about her stressful job. “He ignores it like it’s no big deal,” she gushed. Marcus, on the other hand, felt helpless. “I don’t know what to say to make it better,” he admitted.
In therapy, they learned that empathy doesn’t require problem-solving. It is about being. Instead of trying to work things out, Marcus started saying, “I’m sorry. I’m here for you. ” For Olivia, those simple words felt like a lifeline.
Tip: When your partner shares their feelings, resist the urge to offer advice or minimize their experience. Instead, justify the other person’s feelings with phrases like “That’s overwhelming, isn’t it?” or “I can see why you feel that way.”
2. Misunderstood apology
After a heated argument, Ethan frequently apologized, saying, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings,” which hurt Sophia even more. “He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m angry,” she explained.
We worked to help Ethan be empathetic in his apology by identifying Sofia’s specific emotions. He said, “I’m sorry for not listening to your concerns about our finances and for making you feel unimportant.” Sophia felt seen, and their conflicts began to be resolved more smoothly.
Tip: A meaningful apology includes acknowledging your partner’s feelings. By reflecting on their feelings, you can show that you understand their perspective.
3. Disruption from everyday life: Maya and Liam
Maya liked to share what happened from the day, but Liam often lacked focus and responded with a distracted “hmmm.” Maya felt ignored, but Liam thought he was being a good listener by not interjecting.
Through active listening exercises, Liam realized the need for empathy. He started asking follow-up questions such as “What happened next?” or “How did that make you feel?” For Maya, this small change helped her feel valued and heard.
Tip: Practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, asking questions, and summarizing what your partner is saying. These simple actions show them that you care about them on the inside.
Empathy: The key to lasting love
Empathy isn’t just about understanding your partner during major conflicts. It’s about showing up in front of them every day. It’s important to make them feel seen, heard, and valued, no matter how busy life is or when disagreements arise.
Couples who prioritize empathy don’t just survive; they thrive. Their bond deepens over time because they understand each other on a level that goes beyond words. Empathy may not be as flashy as romance or as dramatic as passion, but it’s the secret weapon that keeps happy couples together.
Remember: Empathy doesn’t have to be perfect. But you have to try. After all, no one complains about feeling so understood.
