Source: LightField Studios/Shutterstock
When it comes to loss of fertility, stories often focus on women’s experiences. The mental and physical toll on women is undeniable, but this focus can sometimes mask another reality. That means men are also facing deep sadness and loss. However, their experiences are often invisible to others and to themselves.
silent struggle
Men often find themselves on the sidelines experiencing loss of fertility. Research shows that men experience feelings of helplessness, guilt, and sadness just as acutely as their partners. However, these emotions are rarely expressed openly (Beutel et al., 1996; Due et al., 2017).
Because social conditions demand stoicism and position men as a stable presence in times of crisis, men may feel obligated to “stay strong” for their partners in exchange for sharing their pain. Therefore, many men carry the emotional burden in silence, prioritizing their partner’s needs, believing that expressing their sadness can burden them or make them appear weak.
This unspoken burden shapes how men process their grief, which often manifests itself differently than the grief of their female partners. Emotionally withdrawing, immersing yourself in work, or participating in solitary activities are common coping strategies. Although these strategies are intended to protect yourself and your partner, they can lead to isolation and make it harder to bear the loss.
Consider Tom, who has lost a child to miscarriage. To cope and contribute, he begins working long hours at the office, convinced that providing financial stability is the best way to support his partner Sarah. However, Sarah misinterpreted his behavior as being emotionally withdrawn and felt abandoned at a time when she needed connection the most. Meanwhile, Tom believes he is fulfilling his role as provider, quietly struggling with a severe loss of identity as a father. Situations like this highlight how grief manifests itself in different ways and is often misleading. When a man’s grief does not match society’s expectations, it can be mistakenly perceived as indifference or lack of involvement in a shared loss. This disconnect can deepen the emotional rift, leaving both partners feeling unsupported and isolated.
When sadness becomes invisible
The inability or refusal to allow men to grieve publicly has serious consequences. Sadness does not go away even if people are unable to express it. It often turns into unresolved emotional pain. Suppressed emotions remain below the surface and can manifest as increased stress, anxiety, and depression.
For example, Mark, whose wife went through multiple failed IVF attempts, started having frequent angry outbursts at work. He felt immense pressure to stay positive and avoided talking about his grief, fearing it would make him look weak. Over time, this avoidance caused tension in his relationships and made him feel like a failure.
Over time, the weight of unprocessed grief can erode self-esteem and foster feelings of inadequacy. Especially in a world that equates masculinity with control and resilience.
The burden of unspeakable grief is not confined to the family. This condition often follows men into the workplace, where the expectation of “business as usual” forces them to suppress their emotions even further. This can lead to burnout, decreased productivity, and decreased concentration. Professional environments that fail to recognize or respond to emotional conflicts inadvertently reinforce the idea that vulnerability and success are mutually exclusive, leaving men feeling isolated and undervalued. I’ll put it away.
At a broader level, societal discourses that demand celibacy from men perpetuate harmful stereotypes about masculinity. These stories isolate grieving people and prevent future generations from accepting the authenticity of their feelings. By promoting false narratives that diminish men’s emotional experiences, society is missing an opportunity to create a culture of inclusion and understanding, where all forms of grief are seen, validated, and supported.
Changing the narrative: Embracing differences and creating space
Changing the narrative around men and grief requires a collective effort to challenge outdated social norms. It starts with recognizing that vulnerability is not a weakness, but a form of strength. For men, sadness manifests differently and may appear quieter or more behavioral rather than overtly emotional. But that doesn’t mean the sadness goes away.
There’s a fine balance between accepting the typical way men express themselves and encouraging them to explore more. The idea that men have to stay strong and silent in order to show their strength is a false narrative, and we believe that by fostering an environment where men feel encouraged to express themselves, we can We have to make it right. This goes against common sense for many men and may feel unnatural at first. But our common humanity emphasizes the need to express ourselves. Men should be encouraged to find their own forms of external expression, whether through verbal communication, physical action, or creative expression.
acknowledge and process sadness
After his stillbirth, Kevin found clarity in moments of quiet reflection during evening runs with his running group. Being physically active helped me process my emotions in a natural and natural way and helped me recognize and understand my sadness.
For some people, seeking support through counseling or therapy can give them the space to explore their feelings without judgement. Men-only group settings, such as fertility loss support groups, also provide opportunities to connect with others who share similar experiences.
Some men find it helpful to express their feelings indirectly through creative means, such as writing, sketching, or building something tangible. These actions channel emotions into something physical or visual, making abstract emotions feel more manageable.
Encouraging men to try these options can help them find authentic and sustainable ways to express themselves. By taking time for quiet reflection and exploring new ways to express yourself, men can learn to recognize and name their emotions. Even if these feelings are not resolved, this simple act of recognition can be a powerful step in processing the pain.
finding connection in the lost
Lean on each other: Grief can be deeply isolating, but sharing an act provides an opportunity for couples to acknowledge each other’s loss in a meaningful way. These rituals don’t have to be complicated. Simply walking quietly together can act as a grounding exercise and allow for co-regulation, the process of stabilizing one person’s emotional state and influencing the other’s emotional state. Masu. This synchrony naturally helps regulate the nervous system by promoting a sense of safety and connection. This is especially effective for partners who have difficulty expressing their sadness verbally, and provides a way to stay connected without feeling pressured into conversation. This quiet companionship promotes emotional balance and strengthens the bond between partners as they go through difficult times together.
Make space for individual and shared needs: Grieving together does not mean losing sight of individual coping needs. A healthy balance involves respecting each other’s ways of processing while finding common ground. This may look like giving one partner space to step back if needed, while the other partner seeks comfort in the conversation. Recognizing and respecting these differences is an important step in avoiding misunderstandings and misinterpretation of intentions during vulnerable times.
heal together
By making space for self-reflection, sharing rituals, and providing mutual support, men can work through their grief in a way that feels authentic to them. This not only promotes personal healing, but also strengthens the bond between partners. Together, these contribute to a broader cultural shift that normalizes men’s vulnerability and fosters a more compassionate understanding of their grief.
