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Sally (name changed to protect confidentiality) has a complicated relationship with competitive instincts. On the one hand, she thrives on the high of an intense tennis match, enjoying the rush of endorphins and the satisfaction of pushing herself to accomplish things in life that never seemed possible. But in a social setting, that same competitive spirit takes on a different hue. When a friend casually mentions a recent big-ticket acquisition or touts their child’s impressive accomplishments, Sally can’t help but compare herself. In fact, her internal comparison meter automatically turns on, making her feel irritated, anxious, and even embarrassed. “I like being competitive, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t so competitive. It makes me sick to my stomach!” she vented during our session.
Competitiveness can feel very paradoxical. For Sally, her competitive nature propelled her career forward and earned her accolades and opportunities. But at the same time, I felt inadequate, as if life was a constant competition and I was always in danger of falling behind.
The dual nature of competitiveness is what makes it both so attractive and so vexing. Imagine competitiveness as a double-edged sword. When used with intention, it sharpens your focus and inspires you to excel. But left unchecked, it can hurt us and carve a deep chasm of comparison and self-doubt.
When we suffer from the negative emotions brought on by competition, it’s often because the competition is masking something more vulnerable. When we feel outraged every time someone posts a victory, is it really because we want to surpass them? Or is it about feeling unseen, left out, or not good enough? Competitiveness in moments like these is not about being “better” but about proving your worth. And when we feel undervalued and insecure, feelings of competition can arise as a way to regain a sense of importance and control, providing a socially acceptable outlet for deeper longings.
These patterns often begin early in life. Imagine a child growing up in a home where praise and love seem to be tied to success. Grades, awards, and honors become indicators of worth, and competition becomes a common way to seek recognition. A scarcity mindset, where opportunities feel limited, only fuels the desire to compete. Even as adults, these lessons stay with us and shape how we navigate our social and professional worlds.
Control your competitive feelings
The question is not how to suppress competitiveness. The question is how to reconfigure it. Competitiveness can be a signal, a clue to what we value, what our insecurities are, and what we aspire to. The key is to approach it with curiosity rather than judgment.
1. Think about your triggers. The next time you feel that familiar twinge of competitiveness, stop and ask yourself, “What’s really going on here?” Journaling is a helpful tool for this. Consider prompts like the following:
“What was the last situation in which I felt competitive?” “What feelings came up, and why do you think they came to the surface?”
Writing about these moments can help you understand the deep emotions that drive your competitive instincts.
2. Shift from scarcity to gratitude. When competitiveness becomes intense, it often reflects a scarcity mindset, the belief that the success of others undermines one’s own success. Counter this by listing three things in your life that you are truly grateful for. Gratitude helps shift your perspective to one of abundance and reduces the pain of comparison. Research shows that practicing gratitude increases feelings of satisfaction and reduces the urge to compete.
3. Communicate openly. If competitiveness affects your relationships, consider expressing your feelings. Statements like, “When I talk about accomplishments, sometimes I feel left out,” can start a dialogue and foster understanding. Competitiveness does not create distance. Being honest and attentive can actually deepen your relationship.
4. Focus on self-improvement. Reframe competitiveness as an opportunity for growth rather than comparison. Instead of asking, “How can I match them?” ask, “What can I learn from this?” If you find yourself feeling envious of someone’s career success, think about what specifically inspired you about that person’s accomplishments. Use these insights to set personal goals that align with your values and turn your competitive edge into a tool for self-improvement.
5. Celebrate progress over perfection. When we have a competitive mindset, we tend to focus solely on outcomes, such as winning, being good, and being the best. But real growth happens when you value the process. Celebrate your efforts and progress, even if the finish line feels far away. Shifting your focus to the journey can help build resilience and promote intrinsic motivation.
The next time you notice that familiar pain, take a deep breath and be curious. What does it tell you about your needs, your aspirations, or your fears? Sally also begins to see her competitiveness as a cue rather than a flaw. By reframing it as a signal and listening without judgment, she began to channel her competitive instincts in a way that encouraged growth and self-acceptance. Please remember. It’s not about winning the race. It’s important to do it in a way that feels meaningful to you. Competitiveness, when harnessed with intention, can be a powerful tool for growth rather than a burden of comparison. At the end of the day, the most fulfilling race is the one that pushes you to be the best version of yourself.
