Late-life divorce, also known as gray divorce, has been on the rise among couples over 50 in the United States and other developed countries since 1990. This profound social change poses far-reaching challenges, not just for divorced parents. Although there has been considerable attention to the effects of divorce on young children, adult children of divorced parents face unique hurdles. They may face changes in family relationships, feelings of betrayal, and concerns for the well-being of their parents.
As the warm June morning dawned in Southern California, a message arrived on my office voicemail. The man’s voice sounded tense and distressed, emblematic of the pain he later described to me. “Dr. Hughes, my name is Alex. I was reading your articles in Psychology Today about how gray divorces affect adult children. It’s the same theme in my life after divorce. I’m confused. Can you make an appointment?”
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Warm sunlight shined through my office window into the back of Alex’s head like a halo. As he spoke, I thought, “How appropriate! What an angel this young man is to his family!”
Alex: A while back I was looking online for information about how it affects you when your parents’ divorce happens as an adult. There’s not much information about it. Anyway, after reading your article in Psychology Today, I feel less alone and realize I’m not crazy. That was very reassuring. But I still feel very sad and restless, like something is gnawing at me. ”
Carol: That biting sensation is not uncommon, Alex. Our inner voice often travels through our bodies, so we need to listen to it.
He frowned and continued.
Alex: Our families have always been very close. I grew up in a very small city. There, his father was a business owner and former mayor, and his mother worked at City Hall. For as long as I can remember, my parents, sister, her husband, children, grandparents, and I have lived in the same city. We celebrated birthdays, holidays, graduations, etc. together at my parents’ house. I thought I would do the same thing when I got married and had children.
Carol: You experienced something that is common to many families. Over the years, the family has built a shared history. Even when young people become independent, they are still connected to their parents, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives. Families celebrate major holidays together. It is common for everyone to return to their parents’ home or join others at another relative’s home, such as a grandparent’s home. Families have traditions that are familiar and cherished by most or all members.
He listened intently to me. His eyes filled with tears, and one by one they ran down his face and onto his shirt. He ignored them and continued.
Alex: My mom and dad divorced in their 50s. They had been married for 30 years. I was 22 years old, had just gotten my first job, and my sister was 26. After I found out that my father was having an affair with his assistant, the two got married. Of course, my mother was shocked and my sister was furious at my father. She had two sons, ages 3 and 5. My sister refused to see my father and did not allow him to see his children, even on special occasions such as holidays and birthdays. It rocked my world. they were my family. We were family! I kept thinking, “Our family will never be the same. My family is dead!” As the days went by, I couldn’t get that thought out of my head.
Carol: You were grieving the loss of your family as usual.
His eyes looked into mine as if in a trance. He slowly repeated my words.
Alex: “I’m grieving the loss of the family I always had.” That feels so right. It felt like my family was gone forever. I imagined all the “never”s. We never spend time together for family celebrations and traditions. We never just get together at my parents’ house to watch TV, do puzzles, play in the yard together, bake cookies with my mom, or throw a soccer ball with my dad. did.
In addition to feeling sad for myself, I felt very sad for my two nephews for two reasons. In addition to my parents getting divorced, six months later, my sister and brother-in-law also divorced due to my brother-in-law cheating on me. Their relationship had been in crisis for several years. Admittedly, he has never been a very active father and will probably become less involved after the divorce. Sadly, it turned out to be true.
So I decided to be the father and grandfather that my sweet young nephews were missing. I attended their school events and sports days, attended father-son events with them, and helped my sister and mother plan traditional family events and celebrations. My nephews told me about the usual father and son, grandfather and son thing.
Carol: You’re a thoughtful and generous uncle. What do you think you and your nephews will be doing in 20 years?
Alex: They’re doing well. Both of them now live alone. Over the years, I helped them, shared an apartment with them, and guided them through high school and post-high school career and relationship decisions.
But you know, I realized that I helped correct them more than I did. They both have long-term girlfriends and promising careers. I have a good career and a good relationship with my mother and sister. However, I am 42 years old and have been in serial relationships all my adult life. I don’t have the ability to build long-lasting successful relationships.
“I feel so sad and restless. What is my problem?” he said, slowly emphasizing each word as if beating a drum at a funeral dirge.
Carol: Alex, you’ve identified some reasons why you’re struggling.
At the age of 22, you decided to take on the role of father and grandfather to your young nephews, and it was a thoughtful and admirable move. But taking on the role of father and grandfather required you to focus on your nephew’s well-being and growth, and not on yourself. This is called role reversal. When a family is in crisis, it is common for family members to assume roles beyond their age or experience. When your parents and sister divorced, you lost the strong family bond you had always known, and it caused countless losses. You probably have little time to mourn all the losses you’ve suffered and have so-called unresolved grief, which makes you feel very sad and anxious. Children who experience their parents’ divorce as adults often begin to question their ability to form and maintain healthy, intimate relationships over the long term. They think, “If my parents haven’t gotten along after all these years, why would I think I can? Maybe I’m having a bad relationship. As the saying goes. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
Alex: So what should I do now?
Carol: The good news is it’s never too late to focus on your own healing and growth. It takes some time and effort, but people do it all the time.
Alex: Thank you for giving me hope I never had before. I am particular about my time and work. Make your next plans and let’s go. ”
To protect privacy, patient names and details have been changed.
© 2024 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT
