Source: Vika_Glitter/Pixabay
If you ask Jake what he would do if his partner did something that bothered him, he’d probably say, “Leave him alone.” It’s not just Jake. Many men in particular, but also many women, have learned not to express their emotions and use them as information in a healthy way. Jake’s “letting go” is a way he has learned to avoid the confrontations and confrontations he fears, uncontrollable anger from himself and others, and possible rejection and criticism. Jake’s go-to solution is to internalize his emotions to prevent them from becoming scary and overwhelming to him.
Why and how did Jake learn this method? The most common sources are:
My parents were emotional and abusive.
If you grew up in a home where one or both parents were emotionally unstable with addictions or mental health issues, or were mentally or physically abusive, you have few options for survival in childhood. . It is wise to withdraw and not get involved. Worried or angry? The Jakes of the world relied on being reclusive and good. The good news is that it worked – Jake survived childhood – the bad news is that if you don’t turn it off as an adult, it won’t work. The world is getting bigger and there are more people and situations that can make you feel like a wounded child instead of an adult.
Parents internalized their feelings.
Here, children grow up in sterile homes where emotions are never expressed or talked about. Often the parents themselves grew up in such an environment or had unstable or abusive parents and adopted Jake’s behavioral style and passed it on to him.
The theme here is learning that others are not safe, especially those close to you or in positions of power such as your boss.
Again, this worked for me as a child, but not as an adult. Here are six common consequences of continued internalization.
1. Regularly explodes or riots.
Holding back your emotions is like living in a pressure cooker. Eventually the emotional pressure builds up and you end up having an outburst, doing what you’re afraid of, cheating or getting drunk. At that time, you believe that you are entitled to do what you are doing, but every time you are shocked by what you have done, you go back and inward, rinse and repeat.
2. You are self-critical.
When I worked with young children, it was rare for a child not to blame themselves in some way for their parents’ divorce. Children are naturally self-centered and believe that the world revolves around them, so they are quick to blame themselves for what happens around them. And people with critical parents learn to criticize themselves proactively so that they don’t act in anticipation of their parents criticizing them. Again, we learn to walk on eggshells and continue to do what we learned as children even now as adults.
3. You are at risk for depression or addiction.
Freud defined depression as a turning of anger inward, or self-blame. They also risk using food, alcohol, or drugs to numb their intense emotions.
4. They are more likely to have medical problems.
In his book When Your Body Says No, physician Gabor Maté explains that internalization leads to continued stress, which can lead to common medical conditions such as asthma, cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, and even Alzheimer’s disease. It is recorded that this may cause problems.
5. There is no intimacy in your intimate relationships.
Because you are always focused on avoiding conflict or afraid to speak up for fear of conflict, the other person only sees you as silent and passive, and you I feel like he’s saying what I want to hear. I’ve heard thousands of partners say that they wish their partner would tell them what’s bothering them, that they don’t just complain, that they just open up. Their partners are turtles who live inside their shells. they feel lonely.
6. You are living someone else’s life, not your own.
If Jake spends much of his life and relationships building around what others want in order to avoid fearing overwhelming conflict and emotions, he is essentially Instead, you end up living someone else’s life. I’ve met people who spent most of their lives doing this and then look back with regret and sadness. I haven’t felt like myself for years and now I’m running out of time.
Is this fixable? Absolutely! Here’s how to get started:
Please be aware that you are using outdated software.
If you think of your brain as a computer, it’s basically running on outdated software. It’s time to upgrade because what you used to do as a kid doesn’t work anymore. If you want to stop living like a child and become more of an adult, start by recognizing when that little child brain takes over so you can change it.
Necessities for relationships
When you feel unsafe or find yourself shutting down or letting go, remind yourself that this is old stuff in the past.
Take a risk and step forward.
This is all about anxiety, and the key to dealing with anxiety is to step outside your comfort zone. Jake needs to speak up if something is bothering him so he knows that what he thinks isn’t happening. In this way, he rewires his brain to stop feeling like a victim and discovers that not everyone is like their parents.
Say what you need to feel safe.
Jake doesn’t want his partner to overreact. He can pre-emptively tell his partner how he can feel safe by simply listening and appreciating that the other person is trying to be more open and intimate.
Take baby steps.
Here’s what I say to the Jakes: You don’t have to think for yourself. Even if it takes you three days to muster up the courage to speak up, that’s okay. If you need to write notes, that’s fine. Please do what you can. However, please refrain from biting your tongue.
The key to avoiding fear is to run toward what scares you. By doing so, you can change the way you see yourself and the world and become an adult.
