We’ve all made bad choices in love and life. Sometimes others can see that we are about to make the wrong decision, but we ourselves cannot see it. Still, we continue to choose the wrong path. why?
There are certain psychological processes that bias our judgment when making decisions. Here are four of them:
Rationalization. Rationalization is a very common defense mechanism that attempts to explain away our doubts, fears, and insecurities about choices we have made or are about to make. For example, I had a friend who had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was about to jump into another. His father told him: “I’m surprised she looks so much like your ex. Do you really know what you’re doing?” my friend said. “Dad, she’s nothing like her. She’s nothing like her!” Well, history repeated itself and the same dysfunctional pattern occurred in this relationship.
Another form of rationalization bias occurs after making a risky decision and becoming more convinced that the decision was the right one. For example, sports bettors become more confident that their team will win after putting in their money than they felt before placing the bet.
contrast effect. I knew a woman who was put up for sale right after her second marriage ended. “My past two husbands were emotionally cold and distant, which is why it didn’t work out. But this new man is warm, caring, and loving.” Unfortunately, this The relationship didn’t work out either. New partners were a little more emotionally available than ex-lovers, but there really wasn’t much of a difference. She fell victim to the contrast effect. Compared to the other two, this guy was good, but not by much.
halo effect. The halo effect is a phenomenon in which one salient personal characteristic positively colors one’s overall evaluation of that person. This bias occurs when someone becomes obsessed with a particularly attractive mate. Because that person is beautiful/handsome, the halo effect leads us to assume other positive qualities (e.g., attractive, witty, sociable) that may not be present. Result: Another bad dating decision.
peer pressure bias. In some cases, personal biases do not stand in the way, but you can succumb to the opinions of others and question your own perception of a potential partner. “All my friends say he/she is perfect for me!” An unmarried friend from college told me about the woman he was dating as his 40th birthday approached. Although he had some hesitation, he decided to propose marriage. He also added, “The clock is ticking and I’ve dated a lot of women. This is a small town, so I’m running out of options.” (Suggests bias.) As you can imagine, the marriage didn’t last long.
How can we address these biases in our decision-making?
Be honest with yourself. First and foremost, when making any decisions (especially long-term relationships), it’s important to try to look at the situation objectively. Let’s do some introspection. What do you really want in a partner?
Obtain multiple opinions and perspectives. Seek the honest opinions of others, but do not rely too heavily on their evaluations.
Look for objective evidence. The best predictor of future behavior is past and present behavior. Observe how the other person is acting now. Let’s look at past behavior patterns. Don’t expect them to change just because they say so.
