Source: Alex Green / Pexels
There is so much we are not taught about sexual desire. As a result, over time we become less able to set realistic expectations for our sexual desires. We expect to want sex as usual, no matter what’s going on in our lives. We are led to believe that we should always want to have sex with our partners and if we don’t, there is something wrong with us or the relationship. In fact, our sexual desires are not that simple.
It’s unrealistic to expect yourself to always want sex or to expect your partner to want sex just because they feel like it. Your interest in sex is influenced by what’s going on in your life and body.
There will be times in your life when you don’t think about sex at all (unless someone else initiates it). There will be times when sex is more important to you than other times. In some cases, sex may be the last thing you want to do. You may also want to have sex more often. Just as our hunger for food fluctuates, so does our desire for sex.
There are multiple types of desire. Most people learn about spontaneous desires as portrayed in the media. Some people feel desire naturally. They randomly think about sex and want it.
Some people experience desire reactively. They feel desire when intimacy begins or in response to sexual stimulation. For example, you start kissing and feel a desire to kiss more. Or you might get excited by reading something exciting.
Responsive desires are more common than spontaneous desires in long-term relationships. Both types of desire are normal and good. Some people experience one type of desire all the time, while others fluctuate.
People often worry when their or their partner’s desires are not spontaneous or change from spontaneous to reactive. However, there is nothing wrong with changes in sexual desire or types of desires. While it’s always a good idea to see your doctor if you notice a change in your interest in sex, there’s a good chance your sex drive is responding to life.
Below is a list of common reasons why you don’t want sex as much as you used to.
negative body image. It’s natural to lose interest in sex if your body doesn’t feel good. You may not feel sexy, you may not want others to see you naked, and you may feel unworthy of pleasure. anxiety. When you worry, it stays in your head and takes you away from the present moment. It’s not connected to your body. When the mind moves quickly and is disconnected from itself, there is no room for desire. You have to learn how to get out of your head and into your body so you can feel the sensations and be present. depression. When people are depressed, their ability to enjoy things and their interest in doing them diminishes. This also applies to sexual desire. I have a child. Before, I only thought about myself and my partner. There are many things to do after your child is born. There’s more stress, more things to do, more things to remember, and more things to worry about. Sex is often put on the back burner. Couples with children often have to intentionally prioritize intimacy. sexual pain. Sex shouldn’t hurt. In this case, it is important to see a doctor. It’s normal to not want to have sex when you’re in pain. Neglecting your own needs. If you’re having sex for your partner’s pleasure rather than your own, it gets old quickly. It’s important to ask what you need to enjoy sex. It’s hard to want something that isn’t fun. pressure. Feeling pressured to have sex can make you less attractive instead of more attractive. Sometimes we get pressure from our partners, and sometimes we put pressure on ourselves. Pressure kills sexual desire. Pressure makes us anxious and affects our self-esteem. comfortable. In happy relationships, it’s common to go home after work, get comfortable, and enjoy watching TV together before bed. It’s great to feel safe and comfortable with your partner or best friend. But a night can turn into a month, or even a year, and you often find yourself unable to remember the last time you had sex. Unrealistic expectations. If you spontaneously want to have sex but don’t have such a desire (currently or permanently), you’ll be waiting a long time for it to happen. In long-term relationships, sex often needs to be prioritized, scheduled, and desire nurtured.
Changes in sexual desire are not the problem. How you respond to change is important. If sex is important to you, you can cultivate desire so that you can nurture your sex life and keep it alive.
