Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, but when it comes to romance, it can be hard to imagine a world beyond monogamy. Unlike platonic friendships, romantic partnerships are widely expected to be one-on-one duets, with little room for other participants. But what if it didn’t have to be this way? The truth is that monogamy is not the only “right” way to have a relationship, and there are actually many alternatives.
Having multiple relationships with varying levels of intimacy is a fact of life, and this variation can extend to your love life as well. However, understanding exactly how to explore ethical, non-monogamous relationships is a different matter entirely. We asked Rachel Wright, a licensed psychologist, sex educator, and relationship expert, to break down the signs that monogamy might not be for you.
type of monogamy
Forced monogamy is also all around us. A culture of forced monogamy assumes that everyone strives to marry (or partner with) one person and that their romantic endeavors will provide them with complete fulfillment. It’s the idea that this one romantic partner not only completes us, but also fulfills every need and desire we have. (FYI, even if you want one partner, it’s still impossible for that one person to meet all your needs).
Many people who are just beginning to navigate their sexual desires and relationships are taught that monogamy is the only relationship structure available to them. As a polyamorous sex therapist, I believe that when someone knows their relationship structure options, they can decide what is best for them.
Just because you know non-monogamy is an option doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. It simply allows people to decide what kind of relationship structure and boundaries are right for them, while eliminating the embarrassment felt by those who don’t fit into the monogamous mold.
It is very important to note that practicing monogamy does not place you on a higher moral footing than someone who practices ethical non-monogamy (ENM). Practicing ENM does not give you a higher moral standing than a monogamous person. Your relationship structure is exactly like that. How you treat other human beings, not the structure of your relationships, determines what moral grounds you stand on. Trust that everyone is making the best, most informed decisions about what they feel is best for their lives.
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What is ethical non-monogamy?
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all relationships in which all partners are aware of the relationship and in which partners agree to date or have sex outside of the relationship. Ways in which people can practice ethical non-monogamy include sex with other people, polyamory, random and disorganized relationships, swingers, and friends with benefits.
The myth of ethical non-monogamy
There are quite a few myths about ethical non-monogamy, so let’s address them before we get into it.
Ethical non-monogamy is cheating.
Unethical non-monogamy is cheating. Cheating is the non-monogamous part of a relationship without communication or consent. It is unethical to not be honest with those who trust us.
Something is wrong or missing in the “primary” relationship.
Practicing ENM does indeed bring people closer together and brings many new challenges, but it does not mean a “hurrah” to save the relationship. Ideally, and from what I have seen in my practice, most people who decide to try or practice ENM are completely happy with each other. Just as single people ideally need to be whole people before entering into a relationship, couples can have more successful and healthier relationships if they are solid and happy. can.
Ethical non-monogamy is an excuse not to commit.
Reality check: Commitment doesn’t necessarily mean exclusivity over genitals, and the definition of commitment varies from person to person. Just as you can be committed to multiple friendships, you can be committed to multiple romantic relationships. There’s nothing wrong with being single, whether you identify as monogamous or not.
Ethical non-monogamy is about sex.
For some, yes, and that’s totally fine. For most people, ENM is complex due to a culture of compulsive monogamy, and those complexities are “too much” for “just sex.” To begin with, this is also a naive understanding of ENM. We don’t assume that monogamous people only stay together for sex. Therefore, it would be foolish to assume the same for ENM.
Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t work in the long run.
The world is filled with happy ENM individuals, couples, threesomes, foursomes, and families. But we don’t hear much about this because of the culture of forced monogamy we live in.
Signs Monogamy Isn’t Right for You
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Now that we’ve defined what ethical non-monogamy is and isn’t, monogamy may not be the best relationship design for you (and if you’re not ethically non-monogamous) Let’s talk about the signs that you may be infected. This list is not comprehensive. Also, everyone is wired differently, so be extra careful when thinking about this and remember to treat yourself and others with compassion.
You have a history of “serial monogamy.”
Serial monogamists feel most comfortable in committed relationships. They have had a series of monogamous relationships and typically do not take breaks between relationships to become single or casually date. This is the closest thing to ENM while still practicing monogamy. Usually when serial monogamists end a relationship to move on to another, it’s because they want to try something new and they’ve been told that they need to end their existing relationship. And a pattern is formed.
Have you cheated in a past relationship?
We talked about how cheating is “bad”. Still, when someone cheats, it’s not because they’re trying to do it maliciously, it’s because something is missing in their life, they’re acting out, they’re processing trauma, or they’re expecting something. They are often trying to overcome their lifestyle.
For example, many people who cheat during marriage don’t want a divorce, but they want a casual sex partner, not a life partner who will pay their taxes together. This is and. Not all people who cheat have intentions. In some cases, people may cheat without thinking. If you have cheated in a past relationship, ask yourself what your motives were. Did you want to end the relationship? What were you looking for? Was something missing in your relationship, or was it really?
I don’t think anyone can meet all of your wants, wants, and needs.
If you feel this way, you’re probably feeling very confused when the world is screaming for monogamy. I want to remind you that it’s okay to try things in your life and see how you feel. You don’t have to label yourself to give it a try. Try it on a little and see if it feels natural and like you. The same goes for ENM relationships.
If this is what you want, by all means date multiple people ethically and explore this part of you. The interesting thing about toxic monogamy culture is that we realize that we already have so many people in our lives who fulfill different needs, not just our partners. That’s what I haven’t done. If you want this, but also want romantic capabilities, then do it. It’s there.
You have or have had a desire to have multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at one time.
I want to put this into perspective for you. Sex and romance with different people is just different. I’ve heard people say, “Aren’t you worried that your partner will leave you if you had better sex with someone else?” There’s a lot to elaborate on here, but first of all, no, it’s not. If it’s only my genitals that keep my partner from me, we have an even bigger problem. The foundation of relationships isn’t just based on sex and romance, and it’s only natural to desire this kind of intimacy with multiple people.
You’ve probably felt the desire to explore relationships more freely than ever before.
Have you ever met someone and immediately felt a certain kind of chemistry? It was like, “Wow, this is someone I need in my life. I want to get to know them and do things with them.” It’s an emotion. Even before you know what it is?
Typically, we meet people in some context, such as being set up on a romantic date or being introduced to someone for business. Before we interact with that person, we are told what role that person can and will play in our lives. If you have ever felt or thought, sexually or romantically, “I wish I could see what really happened between us,” you are an ethical non-monogamist. You may have a tendency to prefer masculinity.
Even if you love your current partner, something is missing from you.
One of the myths that monogamy teaches us is that if one partner doesn’t meet all of our needs, it’s “wrong” or “bad.” We think or say to ourselves, “If we feel like we’re missing something, then they must not be ‘the one.'”
Just because you want something more or something, it doesn’t have to correlate with how much you love your current partner. It’s just reality. You want more, and that’s totally fine.
You believe that communication is important, that emotions are valuable, and that serious conversations are worth having in order to live a fulfilling life.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh, it’s me. I want to try ENM, how do I tell my partner?” don’t worry; Tayo.
How to discuss ENM with your partner
When approaching your partner about new aspirations, possibilities, and opportunities, it’s always best to approach them empathetically, with kindness, curiosity, and empathy.
Starting with the AEO, we approve, explain, and make recommendations. Acknowledging that you understand where your partner is coming from shows that you care about their feelings and emotions as well. Explaining your feelings and being honest will help the other person understand you. It also helps you understand why what you’re discussing is so important to you. Providing opportunities to your partner gives them the autonomy to decide boundaries, what they’re comfortable with, and whether they want to continue the current conversation.
Our partners, and any relationship for that matter, will respond much more positively if we approach them with an offer rather than an ultimatum.
How to use AEO in conversations
A: “I don’t think we’ve ever really talked about monogamy before.”
A: “On our first date, we talked about threesomes. We haven’t talked much about monogamy since.”
E: “I’m scared to talk to you about this concept.”
E: “I’m excited about the idea of being able to have multiple partners ethically and honestly.”
O: “Can I share an article I found about this?”
O: “I would like to find time to talk to ENM about the article I read. What do you think?”
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Monogamy isn’t for everyone. Ethical non-monogamy isn’t for everyone.
You can’t know what’s best for you until you understand what you’re choosing and that you actually have a choice. Whether you choose to practice intentional monogamy or dive into mindful ENM, be intentional and keep learning. There is no one right way to “do” a relationship. Finding what’s best for you (and your partner) is an essential part of growing a relationship.
Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, sex educator, and relationship expert based in New York City.
