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Are you struggling with perfectionism? This often includes setting impossibly high standards, trying to please others, and fearing that you will never live up to them.
Many people mistakenly equate perfectionism with the pursuit of excellence, when in fact, the opposite is usually the case. Rather than motivating us and helping us achieve more, perfectionism often causes harsh self-criticism, chronic stress, and physical and mental health challenges. It can also create a harmful belief that self-worth and love must be earned.
Why do people develop perfectionistic traits?
If you struggle with perfectionism, you’ve probably wondered why you developed this trait.
Although there is no single cause of perfectionism, most people recognize that their gender, culture, innate personality, and experiences play a role. Parenting style can also contribute to perfectionism, as parents have a huge influence on the development of our habits, values, beliefs, and self-awareness.
The four parenting styles described in this post (demanding, perfectionist, distracted, and overwhelming) are derived from and explained in detail in my book, The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism. has been.
As you read the descriptions, notice whether one or more describes how you were raised or how you raise your children.
1. Demanding Parents
Demanding parents prioritize external indicators of success, such as awards, grades, and titles, and value the opinions of others above all else. They see their children as extensions of themselves and tie their self-esteem to their children’s performance. When a child falls short of perfection, demanding parents may feel embarrassed or inadequate.
Demanding parents tell their children (even adult children) what to do instead of asking what their children want, need, or feel. They often use verbal aggression (excessive yelling, swearing, name-calling) and physical discipline because they teach their children that failure and disobedience will not be tolerated and believe that harsh methods will lead to success. .
Children of demanding parents grow up feeling inadequate because they constantly fail to meet their parents’ and their own expectations. They often internalize their parents’ goals and ideals and have a hard time identifying their own desires. They also learn that they can only be loved if they please others. Striving for perfection is the path to acceptance, love, and attention.
2. Perfectionist parents
Perfectionism can also be learned by children if they grow up with ambitious, goal-oriented perfectionist parents who model and praise their perfectionistic efforts. Perfectionism is encouraged when children are overly praised for their accomplishments rather than their character or efforts. The focus is on what the child achieves, rather than the process or who he or she is as a person.
Perfectionist parents are generally loving and do not necessarily directly set unrealistic expectations for their children (although they may do so if their children have demands on them). They model the values of a perfect family, home, and appearance by achieving at very high levels and achieving academic, career, and financial success.
3. Distracting Parents
Distracted parents meet their children’s physical needs, but not their emotional needs. Usually these parents, although well-intentioned, are unaware of how their child is feeling, what they need, and how their actions affect their child.
Distracted parents may work long hours, be physically and mentally unable to work, or spend most of their time online. Others are always busy, rushing from one activity to the next without taking enough breaks to check on the kids.
Perfectionist essentials
Although they may not openly demand perfection, their actions convey that success and accomplishment define a person’s worth. Their lack of attention can tell their children that they are not worthy of attention, smart enough, charming enough, or talented enough.
Perfectionism is a way for children of unfocused parents to get their parents’ attention or relieve their parents’ burdens.
4. Overwhelmed parents
Overwhelmed parents lack the skills to effectively deal with life’s challenges and their children’s needs. They may be chronically overwhelmed due to their own trauma, mental illness, addiction, or cognitive impairment. Or they may be overwhelmed by chronic stressors such as a seriously ill child, unemployment, poverty, health problems, or living in an unsafe area.
Overwhelmed parents aren’t just distracted and tired; We are unable to provide a safe and nurturing environment for our children. Overwhelmed families either lack consistent rules and structure or have rules that are overly strict or arbitrary. And overwhelmed parents either have unrealistic expectations for their children, such as expecting their 5-year-old to prepare and clean up their own meals, or have no expectations at all. .
Growing up with overwhelmed parents creates confusion, and children usually blame themselves for family problems. They may believe that everyone would be happier if they were “better” children. You might be thinking, “If I had good grades, my dad wouldn’t be so stressed out,” or “If I was perfect, my mom wouldn’t drink.” Some overwhelmed parents reinforce these harmful beliefs by publicly blaming their children.
In response, some children use perfectionism to create a sense of control and stability. They may obsess over small tasks or pursue perfect performance to compensate for their feelings of inadequacy or responsibility, hoping to restore order and safety in an unpredictable environment.
conclusion
Although the behaviors of demanding, perfectionistic, distracted, and overwhelmed parents are different, they all have one thing in common: an inability to notice, understand, and appreciate their children’s emotions. Children experience this as a lack of interest in truly knowing who they are: their thoughts, feelings, dreams, goals, and so on.
People who have had this kind of upbringing have likely learned that being perfect can earn them attention and praise, or help them avoid harsh punishment or criticism. Your self-esteem (and sometimes survival) depended on pleasing your parents and upholding the image of a successful family. As a result, you were constantly chasing external validation, hoping that it would ultimately make you feel worthy.
©Sharon Martin, LCSW. A version of this post is also available on the author’s website.
